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May. 22nd, 2011

(no subject)

i feel like such a pig.
for the past few days ive been doing so well with restricting/fasting.
I just ruined that.
today ive had 2 slices of tomato, 3 pieces of steamed broccoli, then shit got bad, 30 carrot sticks with dip, toast with butter and cheese, carrot muffin, yoghurt (non diet!!!!).
disgusting,.
I tried purging but of course all that came up was carrots.
Im drinking some laxative tea atm, and a shitload of water.
I hate this so much.
ugh

May. 19th, 2011

(no subject)

I gained .2 over night.
How? IDK/...
fasting today.
Aiming for 168 tomorrow!

PS: my tumblr lots of thinspo

Also, seein my psychiatrist in 2 hours. Unsure if to tell her that I'm trying to lose weight again or not.
I think not, because I don't want help rigght now.
I am so overly disgusted with my body that no therapy or medication in the world can change.

Nov. 14th, 2010

Rant

I want to drop 10 lbs, by my birthday(Dec 6), so I can fit into that cute little dress I bought.
Its a size M... It would have fit a month ago, when I was 155.
Im 165-170ish atm.
If I continue my veggy sumplement and banana smoothie x 3 a day, I should reach my goal by then.
We'll see
I just wish I was tiny again.
This weight is making me want to kill myself.
On top of that I'm so so so lonely.
I miss my ex.
I made the WRONG decicion, i know that now. Not much I can do though.
I hate life, I hope I find a job soon, so i dont have any time to just sit on my ass, and think about how much life sucks.

Nov. 10th, 2010

(no subject)

167 LBS!!!
If this isn`t a wakeup call then idk what is. I feel like shit, and Ive already squeezed in 2 english muffins (260) and a small slice of vegan cake (150 max) I`m doing the ABC right now, Day 1, which is 500 cals. I`m at...410 atm. WHich is more then enough for today. 167...wow. Like how disgusting is that. I can feel all my rolls and shit. FUCKFUCKFUCK... How did I let myself get like this.
This blows.
I want to die.
srsly.:(
 

Nov. 7th, 2010

Hello

Today was just another fail day.
I didn't eat a shitload of crap (just cake and soup) but my plan to go vegan today, flew right out the window.
Today was my dad's 48th birthday party, he had a few friends over, and the house ended up being a mess, as usual.
And my dad seems to be on his period, being an ass about every little thing. I'm sooo glad I don't live at home anymore, yet at the same time I'm stressing, because I don't have a job, and don't have money for rent this month. Ugh...
So I'll probably move back home next week, where I'll have to share a room with my 2 younger sisters, since my parents don't trust me to have my own room anymore:(
Life just sucks right now. No job, no money, no boy, and the most important thing.... I'm a disgusting fuck.
I just wish life was different right now.
Thats all.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Nov. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

I figured I should post in here, seeing that I almost never do.
Life is shit atm. I'm fatter then ever, and I can't stop eating.
Denis, my friends dad, also my landlord who knows about my issues, told me to stand infront of the mirror naked and try to accept my flaws, and strengths.
All i could see was my flaws, as usual. My rolls, my fat lines, stretchmarks, scars, etc.
Infact i was so disgusted, I never want to look in the mirror again.
Of course this whole thing was triggering, causing a mental breakdown. No cutting though, I should be proud I suppose? Yet I couldn't care less... Scars already cover my whole body.
Not like another few would really matter.
Anyways, i can see myself spiraling downwards again, hopefully i can pick myself up afgain, before hospitalization occurs.


On a different note, here are my goals, for the next few weeks.
This sunday : 160
Sunday After that:155.
Achievable? Yes.

I'm also going to start being vegan again (vegetarian atm)...
So yeah...
Not much else to say... heh.
xxx
Maria

Aug. 11th, 2010

(no subject)

Today was okay.
Probably had about 1000 calories.
MEH...
tomorrows goal      is   600
achievable? I Think so.
I worked  out today too, so i burned about 200 calories, + i worked for three hours, (on my feet)
Itr was an alright day today.
Hope everyone had an okay day <3
much love
Smackeryo 

Aug. 9th, 2010

(no subject)

Hello Girls :)
Today was an okay day.
I fucked up, by eating 2 cookies, but i burned way more calories working, (9 hours on my feet serving fatty foods to fatty people ...hehe)
Also, I'm going to the gym now for about an hour and a half, to burn atleast 400 cals, (i know its n ot that much, but i'm tired!! Haha)
Otherwise my intake today was
a1-bowl of all bran with almond milk
1- cup of OJ (eek)
1- 3 egg white omellete with spinach, tomato and feta cheese
1- scoop of mashed potatoes
Now that I look back on my day, I realize there was room for improvement.
Anyways, I'm taking Diuretics (SP?) and SlimQuick Jump Start CLeanse, so far I've lost 4 lbs in a week, putting me at 156. NAWT bad.
155 tomo?
YEssss please.
I love how easy I drop the lbs when Im fat haha.
And here are pics of just now, sorry if my fat blinds you.
Much love
xx
smackeryo


NASTAAAAY

Jul. 24th, 2010

(no subject)

Hey

Ive been a bad girl. I've been hiding from here, ashamed of whats been happening to my body, The 20 fucking lbs Ive gained, if not more.
I want to die, seriously.
I dont deserve to live.
I suck at everythhing.
BLAH
attempting to liquid fast tomorrow,
I better do this,

May. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

I'm being hospitalized again...
I'm so sick and tired.
I just want to give up on life already.
Right now I'm on suicide watch then I'm being transfered to sunnybrooks.
I won't be here for a while probably.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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